"If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?" — Chuck Palahniuk

Friday, April 11, 2008

04\10\08 "BREAKING NEWS - Umar Islam aka Pookie Johnson Wanted For Questioning By His Baby Momma!"

The government wants you to believe the above picture is off terrorist mastermind Umar Islam that plotted to bring down some Trans-Atlantic flights from Britain to the US and Canada. I have, however, found out some 'nother intelligence that does indeed confirm that this is a picture of Davon "Junebug" Davis of 2338 Monument St in Baltimore, MD, 20747. Junebug is of course claiming his innocence and ain't trying to hear that shit Lunesta is talking 'bout! He claims to have been caught up in a raid of the mosque and the cops took his money!

His baby momma confirmed the picture of Davon "Junebug" Davis, Wednesday after the mail ran and she didn't get her child support check.

According to Miss Lunesta Alize Rozerem Johnston of 3927 Southern Ave, Pookie owes her for three months child support and she wants her 'got damned money.' She alleges that Pookie did say, "he was going to fight for the Talibam or ban or what ever the fuck because he felt as if he had to help his brothers in Islam." Miss Johnston went on to say, "I don't know what in the fuck is wrong with Pookie, but every since that nigga started going to that mosque his ass been acting all militant and shit calling me "my sister" and shit...My names Lunesta, bitch!"

Allegedly my ass, Pookie was locked up for two days at Central booking for unauthorized Bean pie sales to a minor two weeks ago and that is when it is alleged that he met his mentor and Imam Africa Bambatta "Funky Beats" Gihadi, who taught him all about the mystic secrets of "Ninja Islam"! Pookie took to "Ninja Islam" like Afghani warlords to poppies and the rest is legend. Pookie then took on the name Umar X which should have been Omar X after his idol Omar Epps from that movie with Tyra's fine ass in it, but his illiterate ass couldn't spell Omar! The Islam part came later when he realized his ass was Muslim and could no longer eat chitterlings and hog maws. Which really broke Pookies heart because he loved them damn sausage and egg sammiches he got from Lil Kims Chim Che and Burger Bar!

Apparently, the story goes, Pookie was a member of
Honorable Mohamed Malcolm-Farrakhan X Mosque, Mosque #22 over off of Druid Hill Avenue next to the barbershop and the North Korean nail salon. The only place you can get hair extensions, designs and a great bowl of chim chi at the same time. While Pookie was at the mosque holding it down and speaking for his peeps, his girlfriend Lunesta was working at the nail salon and she always had a bunch of people waiting to get their nails/hair done, with the fly extensions or designs and buy the occasional bag of weed. When she would run out of weave or weed for that matter she would run across the street and holla at Pookie and he would hook her up with what she needed. I guess I need to mention that Pookie was also a part time P.I.M.P. (player in management position) and he had a couple of North Korean hoes in his stable that would supply him with the hair and also "love you long time!"

It was found out that the members of the
Honorable Mohamed Malcolm-Farrakhan X Mosque, Mosque #22 had vowed to support the "Freedom Fighters" in all Muslim lands until all the foreign infidels were all cast out and they could continue to abuse women and kill each other off until they achieved the purest form of Islam possible...NO ISLAM! The mosque members have also been connected to a rash of random illegal bean pie, rose and water sales and improperly disposed of Final Call newsletters that have been found at the intersection of North Ave and Mt Royal Ave.

Ex-Final Call & Bean Pie (rose & water) salesmen now turned sanitation employee, Bro. Jimmy X had this to say:

"I'm so sick of cleaning up after them muther *bleep* er's I don't know what to do! Damn Final Calls all over the place and bean pie wrappers all in the streets...I spend about 2 hours a day just cleaning up after my so called brothers...Pffft! If they was really my brothers they would clean up the pie wrappers and shit! I don't know who's worse, them damn people selling roses and water or the Bowtie Brothers"!

The rest of the details are sketchy at this time but Baltimore City Police, ATF, and the Dept. of Homeland Security in Charge of Black Muslim Affairs is working closely with Miss Johnston to locate Pookies whereabouts and get her got damned money from his ass to get Lil Pookie some Pampers, some Butter Crunch Cookies, a pineapple soda and her hair did! "This is just like Pookie, Miss Johnston said, waiting till check day and pull some old disappearing "Talibam bullshit like this!" "I'm am sick of his ass! You got fifty cents?!"

It was later revealed that Miss Johnston was really pissed and she has the right to be because this is not the first time that Pookie has pulled this shit! According to some other sources, Lyrica Diezapam Boulle, for example, claims to have had an affair with Pookie and her fourth child Ambien Cymbalta Davis (as seen on Maury...To be aired on a future episode!) is apparently Pookies!

Pookie had this to say before we brought him out: "F*ck that shit Maury...I ain't fixing to argue with Lyrica's ass about no rabbit, bring on the results!"

**More On This Breaking News Story As It Develops!**

The Evening News!
The New Defenders of Dumb Shit!

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